INVITATION FOR BIDS (IFB)
Background
This invitation for bids (IFB) arises from the general procurement notice that appeared on the world meteorological radar four months ago. The world meteorological station has allocated resources to the esteemed government of
Uganda to last five months to the next dry spell. The country was allocated funds in several currencies but mainly rainfall from the La nina fund and Musenene revolving budget to the tune USD 20 Billion. The generous allocation of these resources now mean that Uganda has enormous tasks on its shoulders and requires the services of technical experts and consultants for the people to enjoy its full benefits.
For the purpose of fulfilling the media term development strategy and meeting key aspiration of the Ugandans, to wit; to be a self-sustaining consumerist country with her destiny fully in her hands and to eliminate all forms of wishful thinking, a project has been formulated with the urgent mandate to achieving those lofty objectives.
The project now aptly christened Focus on Ugandans Destiny (FOOD) is the implementing agency formed to realize the aspirations of the citizens in the medium term. Bid portfoliosThe resources are classified in four lots each of which will require separate bids. However bidders can associate to enhance their capabilities and must prove beyond any shade of doubt that they have not flouted any regulation of this country or that of the granter.
Lot I – The Green Agenda 1
Clearly the goal of this lot is to ensure that continuity of this colour. It involves catching and marketing a rear seasonal delicacy called ENSENENE (you may read it as cricket). The grasshoppers come mostly in green and are a welcome addition to the menu of the people. Sometimes it comes in a stripes of green and purple and to an extent brown. You are required to develop an ingenious method of harvesting this delicacy as well as deterrence checks to predators such as snakes, birds, praying mantises and other conceivable threats. You will create a marketing plan for Uganda, East Africa, Africa and the world. The plan should be keen on the cultural sensibilities of the various segments with the main goal of maximizing returns for the country. The successful bidder working closely with the entomology department and that of food security develop systems that will ensure yearlong production of this product and monitor the orders for shipment.
Lot II – The Green Agenda 2
The background to this lot lies in the effects of enjoying the delicacy. An environmental impact assessment (EIA) brought to the fore the following:
(i) Domestic violence in many homesteads as the family heads jostled with the ladies of the house for shares of the delicacy.
(ii) The outbreak of cholera has been reported by Disease monitoring units of many local councils(iii) The main hospitals in the country seen an increasing traffic of patients who are suffering from ailments attributable to ENSENENE.(iv) School absenteeism has upped and this means that the education sector review plans is bound to fail. More importantly, that UPE is in grave danger of failing. Therefore Agenda 2 aims at mitigating factors that arise from enjoyment of the successful implementation of Green Agenda 1.
You will ensure that life span of Ugandans is not halved by eating ENSENENE. You will develop a comprehensive manual listing careful guidelines that will reverse the above scenario. It is equally important that you ensure the successful adoption and implementation of the procedural manual.
Lot III - Azurean Marine
Having received unprecedented rainfall, most of the country is now submerged. Our people in the city and other low lying country side are in need of redemption. It is therefore intended that part of the proceeds of the FOOD project will go towards salvaging the people and putting up mechanisms of early warning systems and disaster management. To this effect, the successful bidder will be required to immediately supply consignments of high powered motor boat to rescue the people from the floods. It is expected that they should have a thorough knowledge of the project are and be familiar with local culture and customs.
You will train the local leadership from community organizations to political cadres on skills of survival especially but not limited to;
(i) Rowing a canoe, motor boat or dhows
(ii) Repairing water vessels (iii) First aid on water
(iv) Friendly relationship with marine animals especially crocodiles
But most importantly, the successful bidder will while closing with the office of the prime minister, that of Lands and urban planning and disaster relief develop an AZURE document that will be the benchmark of legislation on Resources From the World Meteorological Centre (RFWMC or METRIC).
It is hoped that the final legislation will guide parliament in ratifying legal notices and pass bills that stipulate the most appropriate land use practices with the ultimate view to allow our people enjoy their lives despite the resources from METRIC.
Lot IV – POWER FOR LIFE
The successful bidder will work closely with AZUREAN MARINE to channel all the idle waters uphill into one large pool called Lake Victoria. It is expected that this project will generate the background to electricity supply that will clearly exceed the current demand. Uganda intends to be a net exporter of electricity by the end of the project life , it therefore important that all drops of water from the galleys in Kampala roads to those blockaded by concrete in suburbia be shoved to the lake. You are also required to harvest NSENENE to generate electricity. Whereas the little creature is nutritious, the wings so plucked is a great inconvinience to us for it is disposed irresponsibly; but very handy for biogas output. You will therefore collect all this greenery so scattered and produce power to be added to the national grid.The successful bidder in conjunction with the ministry of works develop a country master plan on water harvesting with emphasise on maintenance of the integrity of the roads and safety of the people. Bid documents for all the above lots can be picked from the FOOD offices on top floor of the TERMITE hotel from 30/11/2006. Bidders should produce a proof of payment of a non-refundable fee of USD 100,000 upon which they will get the documents.For further information, read www.undo.blogspirit.com/ 3 ¼ or www.geriani.blog.com/ seya got it wrong on garbage. FOOD is not bound to accept the highest or any bid.
For a moment I though I was in the company of the waether man, but then he went in another direction. I started reading Suruma’s budget speech: medium term strategy, maximising returns, project end, generous allocation of these resources, etc.
In the end though, this is a great piece of rich imagery, borne of careful observation of what November “Musenene” rains are doing to this filthy city, and this miserable country.
Will electricity output go up? No way!
This is an intresting style to put forward an issue one wants to communicate. I would think the way Ugandans love making money all of them would jump at the heading-Invitation for Bids but maybe the blogging thing is not yet the ‘in thing’.
The style used has gripped me from when i started reading and i think it was well thought out. Maybe we need this sytle to communicate to our politicians.
Which bid should i vie for maybe the power for life
The Baganda call November Musenene month. This year has been a classic one with very steady rain. Sadly, we loose the opportunity of a lifetime.
Yea, we eat the nsenene and suffer ekidukano. Perhaps risk the wrath of snakes as we go about gathering it. But our folly is in our heads.
No plan B. Bwaise and Kalerwe submerged? Oh! I think Seya needs to look at Kampala afresh. I think not now.
great thinking u put into this! and happy new year!
I am surprised few Ugandans are interested in this project. I am particulary interested in who is going to win the contract. When did Ugandans ever walk away from a project? NOTE: you can’t win any bid among these if your hands are clean…(must prove beyond any shade of doubt that they have not flouted any regulation of this country or that of the granter)
There should be a song sang commemoratively at the Liberation day celebrations.That goes that… projects came so that we be liberated from our riches to become millionaires. Except of course it seems these so called grants are becoming really hard to eat. They have curse stamped onto them. Look at all those district officials who have failed to eat cleverly the money. Since Ariaka is already driving a FOOD project car, and I hope he has not leaked to HFS the criteria that would surely win him one of the LOTS, I have to think I may have to befriend him.
There is a farm in Nsangi that is breeding a special type of Ensenene. This type has a horn,its afinity to light is unmatched and has an extra gramme of fat. Though still in young research stage, it need be considered for the FOOD project. When this grasshopper is put on fire, It produces a resin that kills Cholera.
This post fires me up. Hey, the termite hotel is taking shape. It’s more like a multistoreyed mosque., Yucks! So you got termites working up top to a miniature minaret? This town, these people. Very very ingenous. OOps.
Namkat, you know how it starts. IFB and the people wet their thieving appetite.
Uncle Jazz! hmmm
The termite hotel! Man, just the thought of that building standing there makes me claustophobic.
Hey undo, I notice a new feature of this hotel. Now, she has grown hips, feminine hips. She has a typical ganda hip. Very massive she is. However, on a closer scrutiny, she is akin to an Arabian queen.
Uhmmm, Join Amarula family and become their chief editor. Find something better to write about.